First Day Of A New Beginning

First Day Of A New Beginning

04/22/15

So I'm new to this whole blog thing.  Figured it was time I gave it a try.  If nothing else, I can get some things off my chest and maybe breathe a little easier.  Sharing my life with others is not something I do often.  Maybe someone cute things my kids have done or said during the day, or little tidbits here and there, but I usually don't divulge anything personal about myself.

I have struggled off and on in the past with anxiety and depression.  For those that don't know how that feels, picture yourself on a Ferris wheel, you want to get on, but your afraid to get on, you want to get off, but you can't get off, now you feel trapped, how many more times will it go around, does this ride ever end.  Confused, welcome to my world, that's a big part of my life on a daily basis.  Some days are better than others, some days I don't want to get out of bed.  I don't feel suicidal or like I want to die.  However, I feel as though I have already given up some days.  

I have hit another rough patch with my depression, it is probably time to go back to the doctors'.  But explaining to someone how I feel is hard.  The words are harder to get out when you have to say them out loud.  It's easier to put them on paper, to get out how I feel and take some of the weight off of my chest.  Each word I type on this keyboard, gives me that much more breathing room.  I can already feel my chest expanding and my diaphragm taking bigger and bigger breaths.  The struggle is real, and it's an internal one, most of us face it alone.

Today started out awful, it was one of those mornings where I did not want to get out of bed.  This is just not feasible for me, as I have 3 little girls that depend on.  Some days I feel like the worlds' worst mother on the planet, there is so much I want to do with my girls, but finding the will to move is sometimes lacking.  I have let myself go, I no longer care about my hair, my make-up or my clothing.  I do care how my children look and dress, but me, not so much.  When did I really stop caring about who I am?  I honestly don't know, I can't remember when I got lost and I'm struggling to find my way back.  I want to be the type of person that jumps out of bed in the morning, ready to take on the challenges of the day.  So far I can't handle much beyond, college, taking care of my daughters' and crocheting.  

So not only have I let myself go, I have let my house go as well.  I no longer care about dishes, laundry, vacuuming, dusting, etc.  I know that I should and I feel awful that I don't, there just doesn't seem to be a middle ground anymore.  I use to always care, then somewhere along the way I just stopped caring and feeling.  Emotions are so much harder to explain, I feel drained, tired, frustrated, easily agitated and just plain sad.  I get lost in my own emotions, trying to figure out which one feels the strongest.  

I'm lucky to have an extremely caring and understanding husband, who picks up my slack when I cannot find the strength to.  Which makes me feel even worse, I want to be the person I use to be, I want to feel how I use to feel.  I miss the young carefree me, always smiling, always laughing, playing jokes on people and just plain enjoying life.  I need to figure out how to get her back, and fast before I'm stuck looking back on my life and regretting more than I already do.  

If any of you feel like this, what has worked for you?  What makes you realize it's time for a change?  How did you start that change?  Who supported you with the changes you needed to make?  I'm going back to the doctor's next week, however, I already know what she is going to say.  It's time to readjust my medication, exercise more, take vitamins and to eat healthy.  I know all of these things, but it's not that simple to just start doing them.  So I'm going to start by taking baby steps, a little bit of change each day, not enough to overwhelm me, but enough to get the ball rolling.  Hopefully, by this time next week, I will be able to say, I have a routine that's working/helping me cope.  But for now, I can honestly say I feel better just getting it off my shoulders and out of my head.